Drunk Texts of the Week

drink

Sorry, I’ve been hoarding these like a box of Thin Mints. It’s time for the purge.

  • My vagina is crying the snail trail of tears
  • I could do this to a watermelon, said Bill Cosby never
  • I’m gonna Kathy Bate your ankles!
  • I feel like if you were a man, you’d have a hard-on right now
  • I’d rather have a urethra on my chin than in my mouth
  • Can I come over and weigh myself after I poop?
  • I need to suckle a teet
  • I haven’t had a good solid poop since ’89
  • What God giveth, I drinketh
  • I’m gonna open a restaurant called Getup Bahn Mi
  • She’s done the Mexican Cloud Swing at Turners
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