Today’s Reason To Drink

No Snapchat filters ever!

So I was perusing Tinder and Bumble this weekend and was quickly reminded why being single sucks and why using online dating apps sucks even harder.

Granted I’m no authority here — obviously what I’m doing is wrong because I haven’t had a successful date so far in 2018 — but it’s fascinating to see what some people think is attractive by what photos they choose to represent themselves.

If all this online bullshit is any indication, I will be single for a long, long time.

Here are some tips on what NOT to post on your dating profile (geared toward women who like women):

  1. Pictures using Snapchat filters — Please. Stop. Now.
  2. Only pictures of you with friends — Which one the fuck are you?
  3. Inspirational quotes — Contrary to popular belief, these do not make you look more intelligent.
  4. Pictures of your cleavage, ass and naughty bits — Save some mystery, crazy.
  5. The exact same picture four times — Do you not know how to work your phone?
  6. The exact same expression in all four pictures — Nobody ever said duck lips were attractive.
  7. You with someone of the opposite sex, even if he’s your brother — There are so many couples looking to “have fun,” I automatically swipe left if there’s a dude with his arm around you.
  8. Pictures with your tongue out — The quintessential lesbian dick pick.
  9. Pictures of you at the gym — You can convey the same message with a photo of you on a hike, or running a marathon, or on a bike.
  10. More than one picture of your dog/cat/kids/snake — It’s good to let people know you have pets or children and gives you a talking point, but less is more.
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