I’ve been here the whole time. Where have you been?
Welcome to The Loup!
And welcome to The Bar Belle blog, where I’ve been writing nonsensical daily reasons to drink for years. My columns also publish over at Insider Louisville, where I work full time as the culture editor.
Why am I telling you all this stuff you already know? Because some people out there think I’m dead … or working at Walmart as a greeter and cart girl.
Just last weekend, as I was waiting in the bathroom line at the Mag Bar, a burly dude wearing leather and lace came out of the men’s room and encroached my comfort zone. He grabbed my shoulder (before washing his hands) and whispered, “Hey, aren’t you The Bar Belle?” I’m not sure why he was whispering. It’s not like I had a minor role in “Showgirls” and was trying to deny my existence.
“Yep! That’s me,” I confirmed, hoping he’d offer to buy me a beer.
“I haven’t picked up a LEO since they got rid of you,” he said as he slapped my ass and disappeared into the back room where an all-female rock band from Nashville sang about Sylvia Plath.
I guess that’s a compliment, but I also assume he has no idea that I’m still writing stupid stuff on a daily basis and still keeping up with Louisville’s bars and bourbon industry.
But back to The Loup. I’m honored Wil Heuser asked me to be a part of his vision for a Louisville comedy hub. This blog has been sitting on a cyberspace street corner holding up a sign that reads, “Why lie? I need a beer,” as people throw coins and pocket lint in my direction.
So in an effort to pick my blog up and dust it off …
- I vow to bring back Drunk Texts of the Week.
- I vow to use this space to share my columns and other articles from Insider Louisville that apply here.
- I vow to start a Tasting Experience — get your mind out of the gutter — where I gather a group of thirsty friends and we try new bourbons and spirits and try to convey the warm, fuzzy feelings they give our tongues.
- I vow to denounce my pillow queen status and stay on top of the bar scene.
- I vow to share any deals and happy hour specials I come across.
- I vow to be The Bar Belle of your dreams.
I’m not dead, I’m pickled.
It’s time to purge all the drunk texts I’ve collected throughout the last few months. Enjoy.
- I think that hot sauce is coming out my cornhole!
- Barflies were once railbirds at Churchill Downs
- Vaginas in Mexico translate to night bread
- I don’t masterbate in the kitchen, that’s where Grandma is
- I’d like to be the cheese between her lady crackers
- The more I talk to people, the more I realize their breath stinks
Lordy B … it’s been a while since I’ve posted drunk texts. I’ve still been gathering them all along, though, so don’t fret! In the new year, I promise to be more diligent with my drunk text blogs.
Lord knows I don’t have a shortage.
(cue drum roll) The Drunk Texts of the Week are …
- Daniel Radcliffe’s delicious asshole is appropriate
- This corn tastes like Kate Winslet’s tears
- Sometimes vodka can be so embarrassing
- Pap that schmear
- I am a classy lady. I wipe the seat after I spray it down.
- Is that government housing or a rick house?
- Why is everyone tossing TSwift’s salad?
- Was there a great wind tonight?
- I would much rather be your cum bucket then your dump bucket
- Everything good needs a quick smack before you do something with it
- Someone said to listen to Fleetwood Mac in the shower with the lights off and a candle, it’s very sensual.
- Her car is older than her girlfriend
- I know a good bang when I see one
- Mac & Cheese creams my lady parts
It’s been a while, drunk texts … nice to see you again!
- Is that vodka or suppressed homosexuality?
- Brownies is not Stout
- I’m fired up and ready to throw punches to a rose bush!
- The Japanese are so ahead in electronics but so far behind in malt liquor
- Our relationship reminded me of Dawson’s Creek
- I’m on board with finger bang
They’re here, and they’re better than the new “Poltergeist” knockoff! Here’s this week’s installment of Drunk Texts. Enjoy. I promise to do better and post them more often.
• That’s not a shot, it’s a drink without ice!
• I feel like I’ve been ridden hard and put away wet
• How can you play well with others when you can’t play with yourself?
• I’m too Midwestern to feel empowered
• She’s so fake, even her body is fighting her