Drunk Texts of the Week

Sorry, I’ve been hoarding these like a box of Thin Mints. It’s time for the purge. My vagina is crying the snail trail of tears I could do this to a watermelon, said Bill Cosby never I’m gonna Kathy Bate your ankles! I feel like if you were a man, you’d have a hard-on right […]

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Today’s Reason To Drink

If you got this text from me last night — “Idina Menzel is terrible! Fuck Frozen!” — I sincerely apologize. Not to Idina Menzel but for texting so late. I was up watching “The View” and had some wine and couldn’t contain my hatred of “Frozen.”

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Drunk Texts of the Week

Without further ado … I think it’s annoying when kids sing You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Tequila! I either gave someone a fantastic blow job, or I fell When I need to talk about the weather, I call my mom! I wanna motorboat your Pappy I need a Pappysmear I just spilled […]

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Drunk Texts of the Week

Dammit, I just sneezed and peed a little again If you pull it out too quick, it will squirt everywhere I have Benadryl in my lady folds If Jesus was a taco, he’d have to sleep in the manger I want to put my mouth around that pipe dream I gotta finger my ear hole […]

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Drunk Texts of the Week

After 3 breakfasts a bitch tells the truth! If I had a dollar for every beer I drank, I would probably just buy more beer This wine is very tainty Which one if those brothers is your mom? You can’t tell me your Mordor isn’t moist!

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Drunk Texts of the Week

Anybody can push a button but not everyone can ring the bell I can’t hide my double chin with a beer on my head! Vodka from a straw is never a good thing There’s a special place in hell for those who cropdust a crowded bar. Do u wanna taste my dirty hoe? I had […]

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