Today’s Reason To Drink

Now this is a fancy fence!

If I had a million dollars, I would pay off my car and house. I would finally put a fence up so my dog doesn’t run off into the sunset.

I would probably brave going to a mall and buying some new clothes at Old Navy or something. And I’d buy rounds for lots and lots of people.

I’d also probably hire a personal chef. And buy a small apartment in New Orleans’ French Quarter, and maybe a condo in Destin … or Key West.

I might buy an airline to figure out how to make flying fun again.

And then, after all that, I’ll probably be out of money.

But at least I’ll have a fence.

Today’s Reason To Drink

That’s Boris the Blade in the background.

Everyone ready for this total eclipse of the heart shit later this month? I guess you need special glasses for two minutes while the damn moon squeezes between us and the sun.

They’re giving away the glasses this week at all Heine Bros. Coffee locations — if you buy something. The cold brew coffee isn’t bad.

If you look at the sun directly, without the special glasses, I think you turn into a zombie … or a Kardashian. Both sound horrifying.

Today’s Reason To Drink

Get the clown down!

Found this old pic (that’s me in the middle), and I believe I was thinking: A) Get me off of this fucking ledge; and B) Who made me wear this creepy clown shirt?

That’s my older brother on the left and a neighbor on the right.

I hated that ledge.

Today’s Reason To Drink

I made this.

A few weeks ago I planted a random smattering of seeds I had, and this is the only thing that has popped up so far. I’m not sure what it is, but there’s a flower!

Had no idea this gardening thing was so easy. Well, if you count one out of 25 a success.

Today’s Reason to Drink

This guy makes quite a big spoon.

I had the rare opportunity to join the elite Louisville folks on Saturday at Lakeside, a secret pool in the Highlands that has strict regulations about membership, playing on the rocks and float requirements.

I was so excited to float around and listen to life guards whistle at dumb children that I forgot to apply sunscreen to my back.

I figured I’d be laying on my back most of the time (that’s what she said?), so I didn’t ask anyone to help me out with applying the 50. Turns out I spent most of my time hanging off the raft, just dangling in the water, so yeah, my back got the brunt of the sun’s rage.

When I awoke the next morning, it felt like I was being spooned by George Foreman and his damn grill. That man puts off a lot of heat.

Today’s Reason To Drink

Havens Pavens.

Next time I have the hair-brained idea of putting in a patio on my day off, please slap me. I’m serious. Pull my hair. Punch me in the teeth. Spank my ass and call me Sally. Give me a Full Nelson or even a Dirty Sanchez.

For some reason, I decided to construct the small patio you see in the photo on the Fourth of July — perhaps because I was bored, or trying to behave myself, or because I eventually want to host backyard parties and need a place to put a grill. Three trips to Home Depot and one very helpful neighbor with a tiller later, I now have less grass to mow.

I didn’t catch up on my Netflix and today I can’t move my limbs, but at least I have a place for a grill I don’t have yet.

Baby steps, Sally.